http://diary.kanakosasaki.com/

The delay of my report documents quite well how life again has a stranglehold over me with its daily routines and social life. I can’t reflect this without taking in account my time in Mooste where the only compelling structure of the day was to solve the heating problem. In my case it meant how to survive with only a gas oven and two small electronic heaters as the fire place did not work during my stay. It felt as if the bedroom door was the entrance to the arctic. As the electric system in the house was a little fragile sometimes, we had to find things out through try and error like “how many lights do I have to switch off while baking a cake” etc. This simplicity though was nice. It also included the Mooste-shopping-facilities (amazing how exited you can be about an espresso or fancy chocolate that somebody brings from Tartu). It is somehow very relieving not to have such a big variety of things and to realize that this actually is not a disadvantage at all. I found though that the Estonian transport system is something that is in desperate need of improvement. My plan to sit in a pub with some old Estonian guys and just watch a bit of the foreign daily life fell through because of the fact that Mooste is not frequented by any bus after 8 p.m. It would really be a good idea to have a moped or a little car for the residents. Otherwise you feel very dependant on the good will of others. I was really sad and still am to not have had a real chance to get to know Estonian people (also those not involved with art) and some evenings I just felt locked away and imprisoned. This makes time for an extra portion of self- analysis which can be a not so healthy thing if you are stuck in the middle of nowhere.

The second month of my stay I was totally alone as Andrea went back to Portugal and Evelyn and John were away in the U.S. During that time, Mari, who was hired as a temp for the house became a very helpful and thoughtful fellow. I was a little surprised by the fact that not very many things happened outside the walls of MoKS. We were not introduced to other artists (apart from when it was unavoidable) so that in the middle of my stay I had the thought that I could as well be in any other small village in the world. I felt that the residency itself was offered indeed but then not a lot of “extra” was provided or even of interest. Evelyn and Mari helped to find actors to put my videos into practise though. Also I should take account of Moostes insularity again. Without a car, you can never spend an evening anywhere anyway.

What was the point of the residency? I made some experiments on art that I would probably not have made in Hamburg. The experience of being katapulted in such a loneliness was interesting in some aspects. I guess that isolation might convert into something beautiful during summer. My urgent advice is to take a bus to Mustvee by the way. A very beautifull old village right at the Pelpsi-lakeside.

Estonia has the greatest shades of dark in the endless green of the forests. Is necessary to want to see beyond the uniformity of first impressions: nature, in a micro and in a micro scale, is what I found to be the most grandiose thing to see Here. Beyond the surface of appearances are hidden little treasures of shapes, colors – small miracles to the attentive eye and ear.

My idea to be developed as artist in residency at Moks required introspection. Its process of making required sometimes others with whom I could exercise reflection. On the bus, the day of my arrival, from Tallinn to Tartu, influenced by natural landscape around me and the work of Empedocles I was reading, I decided to create a persona which name is Kypris. A persona is not a character but the exploration of a combination of several “what if I was like so”, the exploration of the self in many of its possibilities. It was good to be Kypris during the time of the residency. One who is capable of an absolute inner tranquility. I learned a lot in this process of being another, which is myself. I learned by being in solitude, by talking with John, Evelyn and Jez and I also leaned form growing the garden.

- Ana Carvalho